Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Watching her eat just hurts me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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