Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
