home. puking in laundry basket.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
