One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
