You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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