He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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