I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
