True but thats because hes a fetus.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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