matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
