At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
