ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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