I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
