Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
