How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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