Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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