"it" just moved
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
