Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
