the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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