Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
