I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
