Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
