so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
