I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
