I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
