If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
