They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
