So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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