Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
