No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
