Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm passing your future prison.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
