I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
