dude i'm inner monologue high
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
