I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
