Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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