Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
