Sry I called you an 8
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think my vagina is haunted
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
