Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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