I faked an abortion last night.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
