Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
