Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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