We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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