sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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