1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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