The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
