Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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