I love black thongs
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
