My liver just broke up with me...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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