ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
