DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
