yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
