I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
